Even when siblings are best of friends, fighting and disagreements can happen. This is natural. In the process of growing up, children must learn how to build relationships. Parents play an important role in guiding their children to build these healthy relationships. The key lies in teaching children to express their anger safely and appropriately. It also has to do with encouraging cooperation between siblings rather than competition, and valuing each child's uniqueness.
Why Do Kids Fight?
Siblings fight about many things. Don't feel that you are a bad parent if your children fight. Instead, see their fights as learning opportunities for them. Knowing the "why" behind children's fighting will help you to better understand certain situations and perhaps even avoid some of their bickering. Siblings might fight over possessions, individual space, or just out of plain boredom. Following are other reasons siblings squabble.
* Basic Needs. Make sure your children's basic needs are being met. Children who are tired or hungry can get cranky and are much more likely to start fights.
*Attention. If children feel ignored, they may fight so that parents will notice them. It is hard for children to share their parents with their siblings. Children need to feel a sense of belonging in the family unit. If a desire for attention seems to be the cause for fights, parents need to make an extra effort to reward good behavior as well as to spend more individual time with each child.
* Lack Of Experience. Children lack social competence. For example, a child might pick a fight to get his sibling to play with him. Parents need to teach children to find more appropriate ways of voicing their needs. Parents can teach children to put their feelings into words and find safe ways to express their anger.
How to Handle Rivalry
The
goal for parents is not to rescue their children when they are
fighting, but to help them learn to resolve their differences. Parents
can equip their children with the skills and attitudes needed for a
fulfilling relationship. This is not always easy to do, but here are
some suggestions for a parent's role during conflicts between siblings.
** Establish Rules. Make sure that family rules and consequences are well known and understood by each child. Children must know that biting, hitting, and other acts that can cause physical harm are unacceptable. You can teach them to express their anger with words.
** Problem Solve. Teach your children techniques to use when they get angry (walking away, counting to ten, or asking for help). Work on problem solving skills with your children. If you notice that your children are unable to reach a compromise, step in and coach them. First, make sure that they can state the problem. Then ask them what they need to do to solve it. After the children list several suggestions, ask them to agree on a solution. If both children agree on a safe solution, allow them to use it.
** Don't Become Involved in Your Children's Conflicts. When you know your children are capable of solving the problem, avoid getting involved in their conflicts. When you constantly get involved in your children's conflicts, you become judge and jury. They also become dependent on you to solve their arguments and they may not learn to resolve their own conflicts.
** Don't Allow Your Children to Fight in Front of You. Ask your children to take their fighting elsewhere when you sense they can resolve the problem on their own. Some helpful phrases might be: "I am sure you guys can work that out," "I'm sorry to hear you are upset with each other, but if you are going to argue take it where I can't hear you," and "It is up to both of you to reach a solution."
In summary, parents play a role in determining how siblings get along. Parents can also assist their children in learning ways to resolve their conflicts. Arguments are bound to happen. By teaching children the necessary skills to resolve their conflicts, caring relationships between siblings can be enhanced.
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** Establish Rules. Make sure that family rules and consequences are well known and understood by each child. Children must know that biting, hitting, and other acts that can cause physical harm are unacceptable. You can teach them to express their anger with words.
** Problem Solve. Teach your children techniques to use when they get angry (walking away, counting to ten, or asking for help). Work on problem solving skills with your children. If you notice that your children are unable to reach a compromise, step in and coach them. First, make sure that they can state the problem. Then ask them what they need to do to solve it. After the children list several suggestions, ask them to agree on a solution. If both children agree on a safe solution, allow them to use it.
** Don't Become Involved in Your Children's Conflicts. When you know your children are capable of solving the problem, avoid getting involved in their conflicts. When you constantly get involved in your children's conflicts, you become judge and jury. They also become dependent on you to solve their arguments and they may not learn to resolve their own conflicts.
** Don't Allow Your Children to Fight in Front of You. Ask your children to take their fighting elsewhere when you sense they can resolve the problem on their own. Some helpful phrases might be: "I am sure you guys can work that out," "I'm sorry to hear you are upset with each other, but if you are going to argue take it where I can't hear you," and "It is up to both of you to reach a solution."
In summary, parents play a role in determining how siblings get along. Parents can also assist their children in learning ways to resolve their conflicts. Arguments are bound to happen. By teaching children the necessary skills to resolve their conflicts, caring relationships between siblings can be enhanced.
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