Overachievers Unhealthy Habits-How To Cope

Your child's a shining star—from straight-A report cards to sweeper on the soccer field, she's constantly pursuing perfection. Her enthusiasm and work ethic are great, but the nonstop pressure is starting to show. Suddenly, your super student is skipping sleep to catch up on homework, practice dribbling and socialize with friends. Is your child just working hard, or is she developing unhealthy habits that'll hurt her later in life? How do know when your overachiever is going "over the edge"?

Research indicates that constant striving for perfection can actually reduce—rather than increase—productivity and achievement. Even very young children can be harmed by the pursuit of perfection. A study of preschoolers who were asked questions about how important it was to "be perfect"—and then were given tasks that couldn't be completed correctly. The over-achieving, perfectionist children showed many more signs of stress, anger and other problems than the laid-back kids.

Heading off unhealthy habits in your overachiever starts with an awareness of the problem. Pay attention to the following red flags that might indicate that your kid's flawless ambition is doing more harm than good:

• Procrastination. Budding perfectionists have a tendency to procrastinate. If your kid doesn't want to turn in an assignment or complete a project if it isn't error-free, she'll continually put it off. In this case, gently urge her to let go and either complete, or move on, from the task at hand. Remind her that the essay that she's writing doesn't need to be perfect—she should simply do her best, then focus on something else.
• Studying and sleep. If your child stays up late to cram for exams, her lack of shut-eye is likely hindering her academic performance. A study found that sleep actually aids memory and retention. Instead, work with your studious youngster to come up with a schedule that has her studying for a set amount of time each day, and getting enough rest—these healthy habits will make it easier to ace her test.
• Self-criticism. Excessive self-doubt is a warning that your overachiever doesn't have a realistic view of herself or the world. If she always views her accomplishments too negatively,  you need to talk to her about the challenges—and mistakes—that you made when you were young. Kids need to realize that nobody is perfect, including their parents...they love to hear funny stories about their parents' mistakes.
• Performance drugs. The number of kids who are using so-called "performance-enhancing" drugs to keep up with schoolwork is rising at an alarming rate. These medications should meet a legitimate medical need—if your kid wants drugs to increase her focus, that's a red flag that she's overly stressed. Alternatively, talk to her about self-soothing methods she could practice, such as meditation or yoga.
• Social isolation. If she's shying away from fun social interactions with friends and family, your child might be putting way too much pressure on herself. Reclusiveness can result from children feeling overloaded by expectations, even when the stress is self-generated. Focus on fun activities with your little achiever that avoid pressure to do things the "right" way. Play non-competitive group games like charades or a low-key ball game in the backyard with the whole family. Your little learner needs to know that you love and accept her no matter what she accomplishes.
• Perfect façade. If all you hear is, "Everything's fine!" it probably isn't. Acting like everything is always under control can become a habit for kids who are afraid to ask for help. Make sure that your go-getter knows that you are always there for her by staying involved. Make a point of helping her with her homework and attending after-school activities, even when she says that she doesn't need anyone or anything.
• Obsessive-compulsive behavior. Rituals and repetitive behaviors around schoolwork can be a sign that your kid is  feeling overwhelmed. Since being flawless is impossible, irrational actions can develop around the quest for perfection. Proofreading and checking work is a good thing—but an inability to stop checking for mistakes isn't healthy. Go through assignments together, praising her for excellent (not just perfect) work. Seeing you eschew an "A+ or bust" attitude will make her more likely to follow suit.
• Health habits. Sleep, exercise and healthy eating habits are at the core of taking care of yourself—and it's easy for overachievers to lose sight of what's healthy in the pursuit of "having it all". Discourage your little perfectionist from drinking coffee or sugary energy drinks; temporary caffeine boosts may make her feel alert for a short period of time, but too much will cause long-term harm.

Parents play an important role in managing their child's high expectations. It's reasonable to have high parental expectations, but if the expectations are not met, it's important not to be too critical. There really is a difference between striving for excellence versus striving for perfection. Put your kid on a healthier path by modeling a work-life-fun balance, and she's sure to ease up on herself and act like a kid while she still can.

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Parenting Sins

Parenting confession time? It's not always the Mary Poppins picture of perfection. Sometimes, you don't know how to make your child eat her vegetables and don't have a catchy song to inspire her to clean her room.
Of course, what Mary Poppins didn't know is that while there are a few ways to tame kids, there are also ways to ruin them. Sure, kids have their own personalities, but parents who allow, give and shield too much can make a good apple turn spoiled rotten. A spoonful of sugar may help the medicine go down... but it can also result in cavities. Don't offer too much of a good thing by committing these common parenting sins.

1. Never make her work for anything. Why reward your child for appropriate behavior and ideal choices when you can just hand over the goods? Neglecting to make your little one work for the things she wants tells her the she deserves your hard-earned cash for the newest games, gadgets and designer duds ... without ever lifting a finger to help around the house. This entitlement will help turn her into a "gimme" teen and later, a lazy adult. Your kid needs to learn that work reaps rewards and without effort, there aren't perks. Swapping a video game console for cleaning out the garage will lighten your load and get her on the track to self-sufficiency and independence.
2. Let the TV be your nanny. Hey, every parent needs a spare moment to herself. That's what the TV is for, right? OK, it's true that an hour or SpongeBob might not ruin your kid forever, but constantly relying on the TV to "watch" your child could land you with spoiled rotten, overstimulated offspring. Instant gratification and a constant stream of "gimme that" commercials? No thanks.
3. Always take your child's side. You're programmed to have your kid's back; it's a given. But when you're constantly "Team My-Child" on every issue, regardless if she's right or not, you teach her that no matter what she does, you'll be there to excuse her behavior. Whether it's a bad grade in school or an altercation with another child, letting her skip out on the consequences means she ends up looking to Supermom to always save her in the end. Give her room to work it out on her own; conflict resolution is a critical skill for maintaining positive relationships down the road.
4. Use harsh, physical and angry punishment. It can be easy to lose your cool when your kids are fighting over the iPad ... again. But trying to threaten your little one into submission can lead to dire consequences. Harsh discipline and scare tactics rendered aggressive and antisocial children and eventually, adults. Use firm (not scary) discipline instead and always check yourself; is the punishment used as a teaching tool or just as a way to vent your own anger?
5. Offer constant praise. "Great job eating that cereal. You're the best food-chewer ever!" Helpful parent or personal cheerleader? Unfortunately, while you definitely want to bolster your child's confidence by offering praise, there can be too much of a good thing. By complimenting your child on mundane tasks or worse, stuff she doesn't control (like her looks) she ends up with a false sense of self-esteem that isn't tied to her real strengths.
6. Let your child in on grownup issues. Venting to your friends about your relationship woes? Fine. Venting to your 8-year-old? Not okay. Besides the fact that your child isn't Dr. Phil and can't help you deal with relationship issues is the point that you shouldn't burden kids with adult problems. Whether you're having trouble at work or you and your partner are dealing with communication issues, when you share grownup problems with your little one, she'll often put the blame squarely on her own shoulders.
7. Go overboard with extracurricular activities. In a society where excellence is expected, it can be hard to contain yourself when it comes to activity registration. Even if you hope your child will be a concert violinist, soccer superstar, Olympic gymnast and renowned artist, spreading her too thin could result in total kid-burnout. Instead, pick a couple of activities that'll hold your little one's interests and then switch them up as her tastes and talents change.
8. Make every decision for her. Why let a kid make choices? Because the ability to create autonomy early on life helps foster the seeds of self-confidence. When you're the one dictating every aspect of your child's life, you raise a child who constantly needs someone else's approval. While parents definitely have to step in on the biggie decisions, the ability to pick and outfit or choose an activity doesn't need to be micro managed by a too-involved mama.

Just remember: while there might be eight ways to ruin your child, there's a million other ways to be the best parent possible. Luckily, your natural intuition combined with your child's innate talents and abilities means you'll be able to create a build-her-up atmosphere that lets you ditch the drama and help raise a great kid and eventually, a confident (and humble) adult.

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10 Habits of Happy Couple

What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you're working to improve your marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.

1. Go to bed at the same time
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn't wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.
2. Cultivate common interests
After the passion settles down, it's common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don't minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.
3. Walk hand in hand or side by side
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it's more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.
4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can't resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.
5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work
Our skin has a memory of "good touch" (loved), "bad touch" (abused) and "no touch" (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the "good touch," which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.
7. Say "I love you" and "Have a good day" every morning
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.
8. Say "Good night" every night, regardless of how you feel
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.
9. Do a "weather" check during the day
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you're more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.
10. Be proud to be seen with your partner
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact -- hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new a behavior to become a habit. So select one of the behaviors in the list above to do for 21 days and voila, it will become a habit...and make you happier as a couple. And if you fall off the wagon, don't despair, just apologize to your partner, ask their forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.

 

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What You Should Not Say To Your Kids

As a parent, it's impossible to keep your cool 24/7. There's only so much whining and tantrums a person can take before she snaps—even super mom loses her temper from time to time!
When your kid's are smaller your words aren't as important as your actions—but as your child ages, what you say has a huge effect on his self-esteem. Words can't be deleted like a bad comment on Facebook, so it pays to speak carefully. Now, top child experts reveal what not to say to your kids, even when things get heated.
1. I hope you don't end up like... Focusing on what you don't want your child to become can be as detrimental as insulting him. We get whatever we focus on, and whatever we focus on expands.  If you suggest to kids that they are shy, fat, slow, just like their father ... it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

• Instead: Focus on positive traits that you'd like to pass on to your kid: creativity, sense of humor, smarts, curiosity. Work on improvement instead of setting him up for failure by exploiting his weaknesses.

2. You can't... While you might preach realism as a parent, telling your little one that he simply can't do something that he's attempting is crippling. Children revere what their parents think of them. A simple insult could crush the self-esteem of a child.

• Instead: Reserve restrictions to when your kid's safety or behavior is at risk. Otherwise, it's important to nurture exploration as part of a healthy childhood.

3. Never. Never say NEVER! That is the most important rule, as we all need to dwell in possibilities.

• Instead: Give your child options instead of shutting him down completely. For instance, if he wants to take up BMX racing and you think it's too dangerous, what are some other sports or activities he could try instead?

4. I'm gonna kill you! OK, we've all had that moment where terrible words have slipped out. But using violent threats—kidding or otherwise—is never OK.

• Instead: Pay attention to how what you say is perceived by your child. You've had years to understand sarcasm and voice tone; your little one? Not so much. Swap violent threats for real, healthy discipline. A time-out would be infinitely more appropriate.

5. You are the reason why... Unless you're going to finish that sentence with a positive statement, don't start it at all. Don't play the blame game. These types of comments destroy a child's sense of unconditional love, place unfair and inappropriate blame on the child for adult issues, create insecurity and destroy self-confidence.

• Instead: Take responsibility for your own adult problems. Your child is not to blame for an empty bank account or a bad divorce. Make sure you build him up by cherishing him, not making him feel guilty.

6. Stop acting like a baby. When your 5-year-old goes into tantrum-mode at the grocery store, its tempting to throw his yearning to be a "big boy" in his face in an effort to make him stop. Ridiculing or shaming him into better behavior isn't kosher parenting.

• Instead: If the child is regressing, look for a stressor that may be the cause and try to alleviate it. Don't blame the child, as he or she is not doing this on purpose."

7. I wish you were more like your brother. This comment seems to haunt adults from childhood is a reference to not being wanted.

• Instead: Make sure your child knows that he's loved as an individual. Even if he's acting out or misbehaving, treat the issues at hand; don't show favoritism by wishing away the qualities that make him unique.

8. I'm disappointed in you. Hearing these words can be absolutely devastating to the fragile confidence of a child. Children want nothing more than the approval of their parents or the acknowledgment of a job well done.

• Instead: Provide another method for expressing disappointment: "Instead try: 'I am disappointed with the choice you made' or, 'You usually make better choices; what do you think happened here?'" It shows that while you're disappointed in poor behavior, you still love your child unconditionally.

9. You're a bad boy! When your little one acts out, this label can tumble out of your mouth without you even realizing it. Their behavior might be bad, or the choice they made was bad, but your child is not bad. You need to understand the difference, and so does your child. If your child believes he is actually bad, his behavior will be even worse.

• Instead: Treat the behavior, not your child on the whole. If he has a tantrum at the library, tell him that being noisy in the library isn't a good choice, not that he's inherently bad for making a fuss.

Look, there's no perfect parent in the entire world who doesn't lose her cool every now and again. And while its totally fine to feel annoyed, angry, tired, disappointed or upset with your child, the important thing is that you know what not to say to your kids. Of course, even if you do make a mistake, an apology and a hug go a long way in making sure your child feels loved and supported.

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7 Things To Never Do For Your Kid

As a parent, it's your natural instinct to protect your child. It's part of the animal makeup we're all born with; like a mama bear, you'll do anything to keep your cub safe. Sounds great, but your kid is trying to survive a different type of wild—one filled with science projects, playground wars, and hopefully college down the road. A little breathing room can go a long way in raising a strong, independent child, but many well-intentioned parenting mistakes get in the way. Here are seven things you shouldn't do for your kid:

1) Choose Her Friends
When you have a toddler, she hangs out with your friends' kids as you have a mommy gab session. Oh, those simpler times! After age 5, your child will naturally start gravitating toward certain children, for better or worse.

What to do: If your child starts hanging out with friends you're not crazy about, step back. Try to see why your social butterfly joined a certain group. Maybe you don't understand why she spends time with that loud-mouthed buddy, but for her, it's a way of becoming more extroverted.

2) Make Excuses
"Hi, Teacher. I'm sorry Jimmy didn't finish his report on time. He's been busy with football." Sound familiar? Shielding children from the negative consequences of their actions is one of the most common parenting mistakes. Once in a while (when it's truly necessary) is okay, but If you engage in this too often, you may end up with a kid who doesn't understand cause and effect.

What to do: A good mama bear knows her cub should learn that if he sticks his paw into a beehive, he'll get stung. Negative consequences are a part of learning, so make sure your child gets a taste.

3) Get Involved in Employment
 There is nothing less professional than someone's mom stepping in on the job. Whether you have a teen with her first job or a 20-something slogging it out in the corporate world, your kid's employment isn't in your realm of responsibility.

What to do: Stay out of it, always. When you step in for your child's employment, it tells her employer that she's immature, or unable to handle a corporate environment on her own. Your kid can definitely vent to you about a bad day at work, but that's not a call to action.

4) Make His Decisions, Big and Small
Hey, you just want the best for your shining star, right? So it only makes sense that you would nudge him in the directions you want him to take. Unfortunately, taking over all decision-making for your child raises a self-conscious and indecisive adult.

What to do: Teach your child to make strong decisions at an early age. Let him choose his outfits at age 4 so that he'll be able to choose a college at 18. If you don't agree, explain why; don't force.

5) Resolve Her Conflicts
When your little one's at the playground, it's only natural that you want to step in when an altercation occurs. But constantly swooping in to save the day robs your kid of conflict-solving experiences that teach her to deal with other people, whether she's a toddler or a teen.

What to do: Give your child a chance. You might be surprised to see that she's great at working through problems on her own. If you're always stepping in, conflict could stop her in her tracks. Encourage her to make good decisions, but remember: She should have the final say.

6) Finish Her Projects
Are you that mom who, in the 11th hour, is at the craft store buying poster board and markers for a report on volcanoes? Your child's teacher assigned her that project to see what she's capable of ... not you. Taking over once means you'll be expected to do it again and again and again.

What to do: Offer to lend a hand, but don't be the anchor to getting a project finished. If your kid leaves her book report to the last minute, she needs to own her decisions and face the consequences from her teacher. It's a hard knock life, but she'll thank you when she has time management down pat.

7) Let Him Win ... Every Time
 It's nearing the end of a board game and you're in the lead. Rigging the deck could mean your child gets the elusive point and the win, but it's not the best way to teach your child to be a graceful loser.

What to do: It's okay for your little one to lose every now and again, since it encourages him to be a good sport, and try again. Perseverance is learned, and losing sometimes makes winning occasionally that much sweeter!

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