If you’re a hyperparent, you might not even know it — we parents tend to be in denial about that sort of thing. But if you are, you might want to learn to relax — for your kids’ sake, and for yours.
Hyperparents are spotted when they are trying to educate their child
from the womb, and expose them to the most intellectually stimulating
music and art and literature before the kid can crawl. They obsess over
everything, from whether the child is learning fast enough to how safe
every single thing is to every little scrape and bruise. They are
overprotective, overbearing, overwhelming to the child.
Here are some ideas to help you relax, help your child feel freer and
less controlled and be more able to explore and learn on their own, and
possibly result in a better relationship with your child and a happier
child overall.
1. When you get angry, pick them up and hug them.
Instead of scolding or spanking or time outs or other controlling
methods, try love. It’s a much better response, and you’re teaching your
child through your actions rather than your words.
2. Make this your mantra: treat them with kindness, treat them with respect. Seems simple, but it’s surprising how little respect we give to kids, because they’re kids.
3. Drop your expectations of the child. Often parents
have high hopes of the child doing well academically, or in sports, or
of becoming a professional, when that’s not what the child wants. Or the
parent hopes the child will be a certain type of person, and tries to
steer the child toward that — a mild, kind child, or a bright, cheerful
child, or a studious, hard-working child — but that’s not who the child
is. Drop these expectations, and celebrate the child, as he is.
4. Let them play, let them explore. Stop being so
overprotective. Allow kids to be kids. Let them run around outside,
ride a bike, explore nature, play with fire. Teach them, of course, about
safety and dangers, but let them be kids.
5. Say yes, or some version of yes. Instead of saying
no. Often parents have an instinct to say no. But this is controlling
and stressful, to both child and parent. Stop trying to control the
child, and give him some freedom. That doesn’t mean you can say yes all
the time, because you have needs too, but it does mean you can say “Yes,
we can do that … but perhaps later, when I’m done with what I have to
do now.”
6. Stop trying to overeducate, and get out of the way.
Parents try to impart all kinds of knowledge on kids. So do schools. But
kids learn naturally, without us. Get out of the way, stop trying to
force the kid to learn what you think he needs to learn. Encourage him
to explore, and read, and figure stuff out. Get him excited about
things. When he’s excited about something, he’ll learn. When you force
it on him, he’ll do what he’s forced to do, but not learn much other
than you’re controlling.
7. Just focus on making the next interaction with them positive.
Many of these changes are difficult to make for parents, as we have
deeply ingrained habits, stemming from our own childhood. So just focus
on the next interaction. Just try to make the next one a good one. Don’t
worry about when you screw up — just apologize if you’ve broken a
trust, and move on.
8. Take a moment to pause, and see things from your child’s perspective.
If you get angry, it’s because you’re only seeing things from your
perspective. The child has a completely different view of things, and if
you can understand that view, you won’t be mad at the child. You’ll try
to make things better for him.
9. If the kid is “acting up”, try to figure out why, and meet that need.
Often it’s a need for freedom, or attention, or love, or to be in
control of his own life. Figure out what that need is, and find a more
productive way to meet it.
10. The kid is already perfect as he is. You don’t need to change him. You don’t need to mold him into the perfect person. He’s already perfect, just as he is.
And now, relax. Enjoy every moment with your child, because they are
too few, too impermanent. Cherish this
time with them, and make every moment a good one. You’ll never regret
those moments of happiness, those moments when you said yes, when you
let your child play, when you stopped controlling and started loving.
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