Self-centered behavior, demands of instant gratification of material
wants (not needs), tantrums on failing to get what they want, attention
seeking behavior, manipulation by making you, the
parents, feel guilty, etc., are some of the characteristic traits of a
spoiled child.
A spoiled child is the product of overindulgent parents,
who assume that money can substitute for their time and attention
towards their children, or sometimes you just cannot say, "No!", because
you 'love your child so much'! It
can really break your heart, to refuse something to someone you love
more than anything else in the whole wide world, and you also have the
best intentions at heart, when you buy things for your children. But the
problem arises, when the child has not been taught the value of these
things, or if these things have been given to him too easily in spite of
the child displaying less than satisfactory behavior lately.
In such a
case, the child begins to take these things for granted, and even begins
to expect them for no particular reason, and you end up spoiling your child, because you didn't predict/expect this.
You are dealing with a spoiled child, and you have to do this in the
best possible way, to avoid guilt trips, fits of anger, tantrums and the
like.
Here are a few tips to help you.
1) Keep Your Temper in Check
First and most important, is to keep your temper under control. Shouting
at your child is not going to get him to listen to you, and it will
simply increase your stress levels. Keep your voice even, and when your
child begins to increase his/her voice, firmly tell them to lower their
voice. If they refuse to listen to you, do not stand and continue
listening to them. Ignore their behavior, and tell them you will listen
to them only when they are ready to talk reasonably.
2) Start as early as Possible
As soon as it dawns on you that your child has been manipulating you
lately with tears and by laying guilt on you (which you
probably take knowingly or unknowingly), the alarm bells should go off
in your head. STOP NOW! Do not indulge your child unnecessarily, give
him whatever he wants just to stop him from disturbing you in the middle
of something important, or simply to stop his crying, tantrums, or
whining! All this tells your child that a little crying, yelling or
complaining will get him what he wants.
3) Reward Good Behavior
Better than punishing bad behavior, is to reward the good behavior
displayed by your child. Punishing bad behavior will tell your child not
to do certain things, but rewarding good behavior will also inculcate
good habits in children and tell them what kind of behavior is nice,
reasonable, and good. Decide on a particular thing, for e.g., if you
think your child has too many toys, instead of scolding him every time
he asks for another toy, explain to him how he cannot possibly play with
more than a couple of toys at a time. But that doesn't
mean that you give him other material things, ALL THE TIME. Most of the
time, words of praise, hugs and kisses, etc. should be enough. Only
once in a while, give rewards in the form of material possessions. You
do not want him to end up thinking that it is a replacement scheme,
where he can trade one thing for another!
4) Set Limits on Purchases
Ask your child to maintain a list of all the toys, gadgets, clothes,
etc., that he owns, along with the number of each of those things. Ask
him to keep adding to that list every time he gets something new. Every
time you head to the supermarket or a mall, ask your child to make a
list of all the things he wants. Then ask him to refer to the previous
list and decide whether he actually needs (NOT wants) all the items on
his list. Decide how many items he is going to be allowed, and set
limits for your child BEFORE you get to the store and tell him very
strictly that at no cost is he going to get anything else.
5) Ignore Unreasonable/Unruly Behavior
When you have set limits, and then mutually agreed on following them, do
not entertain any unreasonable behavior from your child. Do not lose
your patience either, because he is only a child and he is bound to be
tempted with all the 'wow' things he sees in the malls! But firmly tell
him to stick to his part of the deal, and if he really wants the new
toy/gadget, then add it to the next list. If he refuses to listen,
simply ignore his whining and crying. When this happens a couple of
times, he will realize that tears/threats/guilt-laying no longer work on
you, and eventually stop resorting to such techniques.
6) Teach Them to Value and Earn Things
Once in a while, sit down and talk to them. I mean, really talk! Tell
them about under privileged kids, orphans, teach your child to count the
ways in which he is lucky instead of complaining about what he doesn't
have. Once in a while ask him to help with the housework and give him
incentives after he has done the work! Like maybe give him a book, if he
has taken out the trash, cleaned the car or mowed the lawn. This will
also teach him to appreciate the value of things since he has worked
hard to earn/ deserve them! He will definitely treasure them more and
take care of them without being told to do so... What more can you ask
for, right?
A kid's mind is innocent. What he sees, he believes. If he sees that his
tantrums are being rewarded, he will continue to do so, whereas if he
sees that it is not an effective way to get things, he will eventually
tire of them and stop. Also, keep a check on your behavior. Next time
you are buying something for your child, because you couldn't take him
to the movies, or got caught up in work and could not host a party for
his birthday, stop yourself. No amount of toys or other things can ever
make up for the time that you don't spend with him every day, and no
parent can be so busy that he can't spend at least an hour with his
child every day, or even every other day. In a child's world, Love is spelled T-I-M-E. Give that to your child, and you will notice the changes!
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